So this blog post was something I've been meaning to write since October but with soccer season, the holidays, and normal homeschooling days, I haven't found time to sit down and write about it. So here I go...
I have always wanted to adopt since I could remember. It is something that I feel very strongly for. I brought it up a few times during my marriage and my husband wasn't on board with it like I was, thus we never stepped forward. When he was deployed to Afghanistan in December 2010, I was shocked when I woke up to an email from him (phone calls were very rare), stating that he felt God has made it known to him that it was time to adopt. Of course I was overjoyed! So we started the process, he came home in March 2011.....and I found myself pregnant the next month! Now over the years of our marriage, we have been extremelly blessed with fertility. I have many friends that have fertility issues and I am saddened for them but I've been very thankful for each baby God has given us. With that, my husband has learned how to "control" when we have kids. We would probably have a few more kids by now if my husband didn't try to control it. Anyhow, I say that because while we weren't trying to get pregnant that month, because we had our hearts on adoption, my husband wasn't exactly controlling it either as he was just excited to be home with his bride after a year apart :) Thus that pregnancy resulted in putting the adoption on hold, followed by a move, and the birth of our fifth child in December 2011. We then moved again in Jan of this year and picked back up the adoption process in February. We worked hard over the months completing the tedious paperwork, interviews, and saving money....and finally, after a few months, we were at the end just waiting for our referral. In other words, waiting to receive a picture and notification of our daughter that we have been praying about as a family for the past 2 years!
Then towards the end of August I received and email from a friend from college, who has 3 adopted children and is an advocate of adoption. Her email confronted us on a few things. She questioned whether it was the right timing to adopt and whether we think it is wise to adopt an older child out of birth order rather than adopting a child as the youngest in the family. At first, I was confused and hurt by this confrontation but my husband tried to tell me that she is bringing up issues out of love and we need to pray about it more and see if God tells us differently. So I prayed and I felt the same so we continued waiting for our referral. A few weeks later, an older lady in my bible study was asking me about our adoption. She was describing me her experience with adopting a child when he was 2 years old, forty years ago and how she thought it was what God wanted her to do but now 40 years later she can finally admit it wasn't God's will for her to adopt him and her family suffered. Her relationship with her older biological kids suffered as the child she adopted took so much of her time and energy and in the end the adopted child doesn't even talk to her anymore. I told my husband again, and he said "Dena, maybe our friend and this other lady are confronting us because God sent them into our life at this moment to get us to see how maybe we aren't supposed to finish the adoption right now." Immediately I disagreed and went on with my day. A few days later I went to God in prayer and told God that my heart is too caught up in wanting to see the adoption complete, to loving a sweet girl that I have dreamed about and that if He didn't want us to adopt at this time, that I couldn't see it because of my own emotions. I prayed to Him and basically told God I will give him a fleece to give me an answer. Hey, Gideon did it, so why not I?! I basically said "God, I cannot distinguish between your will and my emotions so if it is not your timing for us to adopt, then I ask you to answer me by stopping the adoption.......and the only way I can see it stopping at this time is if I get pregnant. Therefore, God, if we aren't supposed to finish this adoption, I ask that you answer me and let me know by getting me pregnant." You have to understand that during this time, my husband was "controlling" that aspect and has been efficient over the years and when he controls it, I don't get pregnant. When he isn't careful, I do. So after praying that, I truly thought, well I won't get pregnant because my husband won't allow it, therefore it will prove that we are to continue with the adoption. I didn't tell my husband at all about my prayer to God. That was until my period never came......
The morning I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I have never cried before when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't cry because I was upset, because I was overjoyed and surprised to have another life growing inside of me. I cried because I knew what it meant. That, despite my doubt, God answered my prayer exactly as I asked and confirmed to me that we weren't to finish the adoption at this time. I mourned the loss of my daughter that I literally had dreams about. The first 2 weeks I found out, I was a mess. I was excited to be pregnant and carry another sweet baby into this life.....and I was heartbroken for the loss of a daughter that I've been waiting for. Around that time I asked God, why? Why can't we adopt? Did we misunderstand you? Did we hear you wrong in the first time? I then had a vision, as though God was sweetly whispering in my ear....."Dena, I called Abraham, a man of great faith, to sacrifice his only son, as a test to his love and obedience to me.....in the end, I changed the course of plans and provided a lamb when I saw that he indeed was faithful and obedient. Likewise, I was testing you. I knew your heart was ready, but I had to test your husband. I was testing him to see if he would be obedient to my calling for your lives. And he passed the test." This vision gave me peace. I don't feel like God is saying we won't ever adopt. I just am confident that He has told me that now is not the right time for whatever reason.
So where are we then on the adoption? I spoke with our agency and put the adoption on hold until the fall of 2013. At that point we have to let them know if we want our case closed or if we will continue on where we left off. I have no idea what God will have us do but I'm more than ever confident that He will answer me at that point and I'll know then. My heart is still so huge for adoption so I can't see that God would shut that down for good. I am just opening up more and realizing it may be another way than I see, it may not be through adoption in the sense we were going about but I do believe that he will fulfill that desire of mine one day.
I'm thankful for friends and family who have prayed for us through this process. I'm thankful for friends who confronted me when it may have been hard to do. I'm thankful for God answering me in the exact way I asked Him too, when I doubted He would. For now, we will wait until God tells us to step forward to adopt and in the meantime, I will enjoy this pregnancy and rejoice in the life growing inside of me as I wait anxiously to hold this sweet baby in June 2013.
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