Thirty years ago, I witnessed my mom's murder....my life was forever changed.

Thirty years ago on from this day, on December 27, 1982 my precious mother was murdered in front of me by the man I called daddy.  I decided to write about the tragic day that changed my life forever.  That day I not only lost my mom, but I also lost my dad. My beautiful mother died at 24 years old.

I remember so vividly that day.  I was 3 years old and my younger brother was almost 2 years.  In my little childish mind, I thought that my mom was at the store, but it wasn't until years later in my teens that I found out that my parents were actually separated because my dad was physically abusive to my mom.  My mom apparently allowed my dad to have my brother and I for a visit at Christmas....but he never returned us to her.  So when she came to the house to get us, she obviously was upset, although I thought she had returned from the store.  I remember how my brother and I were in the bedroom napping and I awoke to my parents arguing very loudly in the living room.  I quietly came out of my room and watched them argue.  My father then angrily stormed down the hall, past me, so I followed him into the kitchen and watched him rush over to the kitchen counter and grab a big sharp knife off of the counter.  I had no idea what he was planning to do but I continued to follow him back to the living room as he was oblivious to my little feet trailing behind him.  The next thing was the most horrible thing I have ever seen as I watched my mom scream and cry and try to run for the front door while my dad ripped her shirt open in the back during the struggle, then raise his arm and stab that sharp knife into her back.  At just 3 years old, I didn't understand everything that happened but I did know that my dad just hurt my mom and I remember crying and running to my brother and wrapping my arms around him and hugging him and I remember I was confused that he wasn't also crying.  My memory goes blank and the next thing I remember was my dad pushing us onto our front steps to the arms of my favorite neighbor and he took us to his house.  At my neighbors house I could hear sirens and the adults were at the kitchen table talking and visibly upset to me and tried to distract me with toys.  However, I quietly snuck away and crawled up onto the couch and opened the curtains to look at my house.  At this exact moment, I watched emergency personal push my mom on a stretcher and slide her into the ambulance.  I started screaming, "I want my mommy!".  My neighbors rushed to me, scooped me up and hugged me and my memory fades again.

I write about my experience, not to get pity but to help you understand the pain and memories that I experienced that followed me throughout my childhood.  I had nightmares for many years and dreams of my dad trying to kidnap me.  I lived in fear.  I feared that my dad was under my bed going to stab me so I slept on my side every night thinking that he would miss my back if he tried.  I feared that he would find me walking to school and would kill me too.  I was a hurting, scared little girl.  As a side note, my dad served only 10 years in prison for my mother's murder while my brother and I were raised by my mom's brother, his wife, and their two children.  I could go on about more pain in my childhood but I am focusing on this major incident and how it changed my life.....as it drew me to my Savior. 

Fast forward 15 years and now I'm 17 yrs old and at church camp for the first time.  I grew up in a non God loving family that didn't attend church but God changed that for me when he brought a friend into my life that came from a God fearing family.  I began attending church with them and learning about God.  Now all my life up until this point, I always believed that there was a god but I was very angry at him for allowing my mom to die.  However one night that week of church camp, I truly met my Savior.  It was as though He whispered to me that He didn't allow my mom to die, but he was always with me and He loved me unconditionally.  I wept that night as I accepted His love and chose a relationship with Him.  Yet, all the pain, anger, memories, nightmares continued on into my first year of college.  I was still having nightmares of my dad in college.  I still was sleeping on my side in fear of him under my bed.  I knew none of it was possible but I still lived in the fear of the 3 year old.  

But this is where it all gets exciting!!  The nightmares did stop!  They stopped when the pivotal moment of forgiveness entered my life.  During that first year of college, I grew closer in my relationship with God and He was pressing on my heart that I won't experience true healing until I can truly forgive my father for what he had done.  I realized in a new way that just as God forgives me of my sins, I have to forgive those who sinned against me, including my father.  And at that moment I came to a place in my heart that I was able to relieve all of the pain and anger to God and allow his healing.  I tracked down my father's address and found out that he was back in prison on a different account.  I sat down and wrote him a letter to tell him I forgive him and a good friend prayed with me and prayed over the letter before I sent it.  He wrote back to me and the moment I received that letter, I was scared again and had to pray that God will calm me down and take away my fear.  We continued to write back and forth that year and then during the summer of 1999, I went to the prison that he was at, at age 19yrs and met my father for the first time since I watched him take my mother's life.  It was strange but healing.

I can honestly say from the moment that I truly forgave my father for his actions, the nightmares went away.  The true fear I had disappeared.  I no longer was scared of knives.  It was amazing to be healed of all this because I thought they would never stop.  It is because of God.  God has truly changed my life for the better.  He is my comforter, my healer, my daddy.  I came to His feet because of the pain I experienced 30 years ago and while I wouldn't ever want to relive what happened to my mom, to my brother, or to me on that dark day, it helped shape who I am.  It brought me to Jesus.  I understand forgiveness in a deeper way because I was able to give forgiveness to someone who hurt me so much.  I don't hold onto the pain or hurt anymore.  It is my story.  My mom died because of a man who allowed sin to control him, a man who didn't know Jesus.  It wasn't what God planned for because he allows free will, but He used that situation to help shape me into who I am.  Because of my experience, I have been able to reach out to others in pain and share with them God's amazing healing power when you turn to Him.  I have a huge heart to adopt which was shaped because of the experience I have loosing my parents and finding Jesus as my true father. Jesus took what man meant for bad and turned into good.  My savior can do this and he did it with me in my life.  If I didn't watch my mom die 30 years ago, I'm not sure if I would have a relationship with Jesus to this day.  So for that, I'm thankful that God drew me to Him when I needed his love and comfort.  

Thank you Jesus for being my Savior, lifting me from the darkness, allowing me to forgive, and loving me.

My beautiful mother on her wedding day, in 1978.